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How Full is Your Love Tank?

How is the state of your love tank? Is it empty or full, or somewhere in the middle?

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Have you read the International bestselling book, The Five Love Languages? In this book, the author, Dr Gary Chapman, a marriage and family expert, says that there are five emotional love languages that all of us speak. And it’s possible for two people to truly love each other and yet feel unloved because they don’t speak the same love language. The key is to understand your own primary love language. Then you have to seek to understand the love language of your loved ones so that you can treat them in a way that they will feel truly loved.

This concept does not only apply to married couples but to all relationships including parents and children, siblings, friends and even at the workplace with your boss and subordinates.

1. The first Love Language is Words of Affirmation

Sometimes Words do speak louder than actions. If this is your love language, then praises, compliments, words of encouragement and appreciation mean the world to you.

I learned that the best way to teach a child values is to catch him doing something right, rather than watching out for a misbehavior. Everyone loves to be reinforced with a pat on the back for good behaviour, especially our children. Hearing our verbal approval is exceedingly important to them.

Look out for the positive and draw attention to what you appreciate. “I noticed this morning that you made your bed and packed your bag all ready for school without having to be reminded. I really appreciate that.”

Instead of focusing on the outcome and performance by just saying, "I'm glad you got an "A" in Mathematics", comment on his effort, like “I know you worked really hard on your Math this term, you deserved that A grade, and I'm so proud of you!"

If your child's primary love language is words of affirmation, then these spoken praises and appreciation everyday will fall like rain on the arid land!

2. The second Love Language is Acts of Service

Do you remember the old saying, "Actions speak louder than words"? For some people, that is how they feel loved. If acts of service is your loved one’s primary love language, then your simple acts of service will speak more deeply to him or her emotionally

From his book, Dr Chapman narrated the story of Maxine and David, who had been married for 15 years. One day, Maxine came to his office to share her frustrations with her marriage. She complained: "I don't understand David. Every day he tells me that he loves me, but he never does anything to help me. He just sits on the couch watching TV while I wash the dishes. I'm sick of hearing 'I love you.' If he truly loved me, he would do something to help me."

Obviously, Maxine's primary love language is not Words of Affirmation, but Acts of Service. And even though her husband, David, loved her deeply, he had never learned to express his love in a way that she would feel loved. However, after they talked and they took the Love Language Test, he got the picture and he started speaking Maxine's love language. In less than a month, her love tank was beginning to fill up, and their marriage moved from winter to spring.

3. The third Love Language is Receiving Gifts

In every society throughout human history, gift giving has been perceived as an expression of love. Giving gifts is universal, because there is something inside the human psyche that says if it is a special day for someone you love, you will give him or her something tangible to make her feel special.

Be it a Birthday, Christmas, Baptism, Anniversary or just a simple get-together, it will never be complete without presents!

I have a treasure of necklace and earrings sets given by my sons for my previous birthdays and I am always touched by their thoughtfulness!

The gifts need not be expensive. As they always say, it’s the thought that counts!

The stem of flower that my sons buy from their daily allowance on Mother's day assures me of their thoughtful love and affection!

Sometimes there does not have to be any special occasion at all. Surprise coming home treats, like chocolates, cake and ice cream bring sparkles to the eyes of my boys.

Just a word of caution: If your loved ones’ love language is Receiving Gifts, then a missed birthday or anniversary will be a total disaster!

4. The fourth Love Language is Quality Time

If your loved one’s love language is quality time, giving him or her your undivided attention is one of the best ways you can show your love. Most men are born to be able to multi task. They can watch television, check phone messages, read the newspaper, and listen to their wife or mother, all at the same time. Although, that is an admirable skill, it is not speaking the love language of quality time.

Instead, you must turn off the TV, your phone and other gadgets, lay the newspaper down, look into your wife's or mother’s eyes, then listen and communicate.

I myself am a Quality Time person. I think undivided attention is so powerful and I always light up when my husband plans a fun-filled family breakfast at the park on weekends! No gadgets, no wi-fi, just simple food, laughter and conversations.

Family Time

5. And finally, The fifth Love Language is Physical Touch

We have long known the emotional power of physical touch. Long before an infant understands the meaning of the word love, he feels loved whenever he is held in his parents’ loving embrace.

In my previous blog on the Power of a hug, a kiss and I love you, I mentioned about an American author and family therapist Virginia Satir’s idea of a hug. She said, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival, we need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth. In our home, hugs and kisses are a huge part of our daily life because we are a touchy feely bunch and that shows what is our common love language!.

Power of Touch

Alright! So what is your primary love language? If you still don’t know after reading this, then you can take the quiz in the link below to find out.

I gave this test to my family and we had a lot of discoveries and realization! We became more conscious of how we can please one another and how we can make our love felt and understood.

I hope this gives you insights to really help you understand yourself better and how to fill the love tank of those people who are dear to you!


About the author 

Rhodora "Doods" Jader Fetalvero

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